Wearing: Cocolatte Pleated White Dress thanks to Cocolatte; Nasty Gal Faux Fur coat
It's hard to put into words what I am about to say, I find myself typing then deleting, then getting up to make some coffee then sitting back down again to type two words then walk away again. Repeat of such a vicious cycle.
I guess... the right thing to say now is that - I really loved him. I was in love with him for close to four years. However, it fell apart as I scraped to hold on. It ended just this week, on a gloomy Monday.
The words he said that hurt me the most was that I didn't care and I wanted to give up so easily like I had no heart or soul. Those words strike me like a punch in the heart. I never intended for the sadness and the tears and never, had I wanted to end something I wanted just so badly to work.
I feel scared and lonely sometimes, like a hand is crushing my heart and a dark cloud following me. I sometimes think I'm a grade A idiot, for letting him go and for going for the 'easier' option. And when the first few days pass, you realise you have to pack the photos and return items he left in your room. Remove traces of him, forget that you cannot call or text, cast him from your mind. It hurts. Yet I know it was the right decision at the time and not all decisions are meant to be easy.
I know alot of people do not feel sympathy and compassion for the 'One Who Broke it Off' so I keep low key and keep my real true friends close as I mend. I do deserve to be happy and I do deserve a hug and I am allowed to cry. I bite my tongue at work and try not to bring others down. I've been through many a breakup before but this is the first time I've initiated it... and I always thought that those guys that broke up with me were never hurting or felling guilt but I now know that isn't true. It definitely isn't true.
Now, I just want to be alone and stay distracted. I haven't changed anything around my room because I still love that smile. I wish it could've not ended up like this but I truly have to be honest with myself and finally, to be the better person.
These are some of the last photos he took of me - just before our breakup and I know as I look at these, I feel the sadness just radiating off me. Maybe because I felt the end coming and I couldn't hide it on my face.
I thank him for all the help and support he gave me over the past years for my blog. I don't think I would've had the courage to start my blog without him. He was my rock, my best friend, my love. To my dearest, you'll always, always have a special place in my heart. Always and Forever.
