The Smiles for the End of May

This is my boyfriend Hughie. We've been together for 3 and a half years now; I care and love him so very much. He always tries to hold my hand even when I'm upset or angry at him, or clearly ignoring him. He is there for me during those rough patches without question or doubt; he never pushes me to tell him what's wrong if I came home upset and tear stained and just want some hot tea. He sometimes makes it for me if I refuse to get out of bed. He is one of those rare people in my life that thinks "This will make Natalie happy, let's do that for her or get that for her".

He once made me hi-five him when I asked him the question "How come we aren't one of those couples who break up on and off? So Hughie says: "Because we are ...AWESOME!",  then puts his hand up for hi-five. I paused to register it then hi-fived him, both of us laughing like idiots. That's the sort of relationship we have; and it helps me forget my troubles most of the time.

Especially for the month of May, he had kept my chin up and kept me smiling. He didn't even bat an eyelid when I asked him to take some photos on self timer. "I want to blog about us" I said. He was like "OK, let's go down to the playground, I'll sit on this cow."

Thank you Hughie for a lovely 3 and a half years. This Hughie chapter in my life didn't come first, but it has so far, been so very sweet, easy, comforting and playful.

Love Letters for the Full Moon of May

Dearest,

I drove to work last night; and there was a full moon in the sky. Looking up, I detest that I cannot preoccupy myself with my usual book and phone surfing routine. I hate driving alone these days.

Instead I stare at the moon and in a very corny way, I wonder if that full moon looks the same where you are right now.

Then I tear up while I steer the wheel and the road and the car lights start to blur together into a watery mess. My mind wanders to the night I had a moment of weakness: I drank so much in a short amount of time and I hit *send*. I never got a response, but that's ok with me. Yet tonight, I find myself asking - where was your moment of weakness? Am I alone in my sadness?

So, feeling defeated, I feel my tears start to run down my cheeks. Suddenly I get a text from a friend with a crisis of his own. I was relived for a distraction and I pull over to answer his text, spending the next few minutes sorting out the issue. When I was done, I look up and start to pull out onto the road. I forgot what I was thinking about and light a cigarette and change the radio station. I hate the taste of that cigarette but I smoke it anyway. Any distraction would do.

I act like nothing had happened even though I'm the only one in the car - A process I'm not unfamiliar with. I just drive on and on into the night blocking my feelings from emerging again. On these sorts of nights is when I really am alone with my thoughts and feelings; and weeks of happiness sometimes unfold within 45 minutes of driving. That sucks the most. So I call my friend so he can make me smile again; and he successfully does.

Yet, the full moon stares me down and I avoid staring back because this thought keeps coming up: "Damn, I really do miss him". And at those times of solace, I really do. I really do miss you.

Yours Always,

Natalie

Love Letters for the 12th of May

Dearest,

I have to tell you that I know deep down in your soul that you love me too. There's a part of your heart that is reserved for me. I'm not looking at the stars or the moon or destiny or fate for this admission I'm getting out of you but I can recall the countless times the different ways you have tried to get in contact with me even after we've agreed to shut each other out. They all still take me by surprise to this very day.

It’s a weird thought to me, even I can't admit it to myself that you love me without feeling I'm wrong. But I know the love is there, it’s very hard to explain, it even may be very small, but I just know it’s there. You have contacted me after a many a fight, and you told me you needed me. That there, told me something…that we had something strong, something solid.
Always though, there is this thought that maybe we aren't just meant to be. It’s still foreign to me, the thought of us being together and its true I don't expect us to be (but sometimes I blush a very deep pink at that embarrassing thought because sometimes I do think it). We always have the worse timing and keep going back and forth and missing our opportunities. 
However, deep down in your heart somewhere, I know that you love me, or at least loved me at one point in your life. I hope that one day you can admit it to yourself. I might need to wait a while, but I'm prepared to wait a lifetime for those three little words to sink into your heart: 'I loved her'.

Always yours,

Natalie

*Wearing: Zen Beanie from Zen Garage

Love Letters for the Month of May

Dearest,

I've never regretted a single moment with you. Although it was all a lot of fun and games and we never tried to be too serious, I always found that the happiest part of my day was meeting you and saying "hello" and the saddest part of my day was looking back at you and saying "goodbye". Dearest, I love you. I now know that I've loved you all along. And I know as I write this that I am completely in love with you and I will still love you in the future. I was just stuck before; I couldn't find the words to place my feelings or figure out why I would sometimes go bat shit crazy on you. But now I know why.

I've always just known that I was so happy to have you in my life. Yet now, obviously it is the time to let you go, and to let you have the life you want and for you to be happy. I don't know if I really contributed to your happiness but it seems like you will be happier without the burden of what we had.

So I want you to be happy, and that's how much I care for you. I am willing to let you go, let us go, for that very reason. So I'm finally, letting go.

Always yours..

Natalie